I was born in Vietnam. My first language is Vietnamese and I started learning English when I was 10 years ago. I went to Canada when I was 18. Now, 12 years later, at the age of 30, I have been immersing myself in the English-speaking environment. In total, I have been learning and speaking for 22 years, more than 2/3 of my life.
Albeit I have this resistance in me for English. My unconscious mind always views English as my “second” language, which is true in the literal sense, but not in reality as I now have spoken English for longer that my mother tongue, Vietnamese. Most of the materials I read nowadays are in English, and so are 75% of the conversations I have.
But I started to become aware of this resistance and rejection of language ownership and identity alignment from my own self recently. I don’t feel that I own English, that it is still a foreign language, and I will never learn to master it, however much I try. I always thought I should use it in moderation and never try to explore and experiment with it. It is not mine, anyways. (I am not sure many of you feel this way, and resort to your first language for the creative writing work. However, I assume, especially for immigrants and international students, the question of cultural and language identity is a common one, when we haggle between two (or more) lifestyles, cultures, and sets of beliefs.)
I am blessed that I realized this unconscious resistance to English, as now, I can accept this feeling, reflect on it and chart my conscious thoughts and actions to where I think I can deal with it.
From this realization, I also find my love for this language, English. I read many books and always admire how great authors master story telling through this language. It’s a beautiful language and powerful tool that I would like to finally own and accept as a part of my identity alongside my mother tongue. I felt that I am not at the tipping point and have untied another knot for my self-identity in regards to my linguistics preference.
Thank you for reading and “listening” to my rambling thoughts. <3
December 9, 2022